New to the estranged campus, 3 freshman girls crowd around a small coffee table. The fashionable trio, Kelly, Jaime and Christina, sit and chat in between classes as busy San Jose State student’s crowd them with lattes and laptops. Conversing over salads and energy drinks the girls are frustrated with having to choose their majors, choose colleges and choosing housing.
“You’re still living at home?” Jaime says while playing with her iphone.
“Well ya. I wanted to move away but since I’m here my parents are making me live at home.” Christina, obviously upset with her position, keeps her head down as she finishes the rest of her turkey salad.
Kelly, the outspoken leader of the groups chimes in stating that, “San Jose State was a way better choice then moving down to San Diego. It’s way too big of a party school and there would be way to many distractions.”
After they all agreed that San Jose State was their best choice, they began to discuss how conflicted they were with having to choose they’re major. As Jaime and Kelly sit confidently with their majors in business, Christina is still unsure about what she wants to do.
“Well, what do you want to do Christina?” Jaime says in between sips of red bull.
“I don’t know. I want to be a housewife when I grow up!” Christina states as they all begin to laugh.
“You should choose business. It’s the most basic degree and you can do anything with it. Any job you have is obviously going to be a business. You can also minor in whatever you want. That’s what Jaime and I are doing.” Kelly explains.
After the girls finish discussing college, they make plans to go out for the night. The pressures of college are no match for the close bond between these girls. (307)
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1 comment:
Good vignette, bad typos.
You've got some effective details here ("Conversing over salads and energy drinks," "keeps her head down," "between sips of red bull"), but I'd like to see a little more description of this trio. You say they're fashionable -- why not show me that instead?
You're still having problems with the AP style and the basics: sound-alike words, punctuation, plurals/possessives and proper quote format. That is pulling down what would otherwise be a decent grade for this piece.
I want you to go through this piece and find and correct your errors. Think of it as your very own "Copy Edit the World" exercise. (Hint: I count seven errors, not including the quote attribution problems.)
8/15
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